Merry Christmas, The Jets Are Dead.

Taylor McCloud — Pats Militia

Hi Tom, I'm Marty! Remember when I said I was ready to do this?! #theimaginationagency #footballMarty #patriots

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Here are my takeaways from the Patriots’ 41-3 victory over the Jets:

  • The Jets are bad at football.
  • The Patriots are good at football.

I’m obviously kidding, but do I need to be? Let me answer my own question — probably not. Yesterday’s game was simply a case of a good football team taking a bad one behind the woodshed. From the second Stephen Gostkowski kicked off to begin the game, that one was over.

Everything I predicted came true, too.

I said Bryce Petty was a bad quarterback, and he proved me right.

He threw this pick,

Left the game after taking this hit,

And he finished with this statline: 0-3/0YD/0TD/1INT.

I don’t know about you, but I’m confident I could put up those same numbers if you let me strap on the pads for one NFL contest. Luckily though, I am not the Jets’ backup quarterback (despite my pedigree as a college-level intramural quarterback), so I was not forced into action. Instead, Ryan Fitzpatrick flew in to save the day — or not.

I said there would be no Fitzmagic, and there most certainly wasn’t. He threw those two picks you just watched, and couldn’t sniff the endzone. It was a pitiful performance.

But let me point something out: in three of the four turnovers shown above, who ends up with the ball? That’s right, Malcolm Butler. Yesterday, Butler played with his hair on fire. He was all over the field, ballhawking in the secondary and scooping the ball in the backfield. It’s like he was upset about something. My first thought was that he thought he was snubbed by the Pro Bowl voters, but then I remembered, guys in the Super Bowl don’t play in the Pro Bowl anyways, so I’m not really sure why he was so mad. Hell, maybe he wasn’t at all. Maybe he’s just that good…

And maybe Tom Brady is too.

He threw for three, count ’em, three, touchdowns.

This one went to Marty B aka Martysaurus Rex aka The Black Unicorn aka Martellus Bennett.

Matt Lengel dropped in from the clouds to son some sorry defensive back for Brady TD #2.

And Sweet Feet White hauled in this BEAUTIFUL ball from Tommy just before the half for TD #3.

But all three touchdowns paled in comparison to this display of vigor and athleticism.

I don’t even know why I’m surprised by anything this guy does anymore. Week in and week out he does something else that leaves me speechless. How many other 39 year-old quarterbacks are making that play? Oh yeah, zero. Peyton Manning was 39 last year and I’m pretty sure he would have perished on sight if he had even attempted something that ambitious. Big quarterbacks who have been incapable of running for the entirety of their careers should not be able to do that, yet, Tom Brady did. I say this every week, but he’s just further proving why he’s the G.O.A.T.

I said so, and ScHoolboy Q agrees, so you know it’s true.

Along with Butler, and Brady, LeGarrette Blount is quite good at this football thing. He ran for two more touchdowns yesterday, his sixteenth and seventeenth of the season, and strengthened his hold on the Patriots’ single season rushing TD record.

I’m no legal expert, but I think that when you take everything I included above, and everything else I didn’t, you’ve got a murder. Seriously, I’m pretty sure the Patriots killed the Jets. That was the type of game that sets an organization back for a couple of years. Todd Bowles doesn’t seem to be in good position, the team’s got no quarterback, Sheldon Richardson fired shots at Brandon Marshall following the game, and those are just three of the terrible situations looming in the Meadowlands.

But hey, at least they came away with three points yesterday, right? Wrong. The Chargers just lost to the Browns, and I still think the Jets taking that field goal late in the fourth to avoid the shutout is the most embarrassing thing to happen this NFL season. Though, I guess the difference between a 41-point victory and 38-point victory isn’t that important, and I’ll take a blowout anyway I can get it.

Go Pats.