This Website Posted A Guide For Explaining DeflateGate To Children And It Is Unequivocally The Dumbest Thing That’s Ever Happened

Taylor McCloud — Pats Militia

You probably won’t want to, but you need to read this.

Ok, now that you’ve done that, we can say in unison: what the fuck is this?

I don’t know shit about, and if their other material is anything like this, I don’t want to. This article was pathetic — an absolute joke.

What to tell your kids about DeflateGate? Seriously? This Atlanta-based website just posted this article, in complete seriousness, explaining how parents should present DeflateGate to their children. But it wasn’t some normal article, it was worded like the Patriots lined up a thousand puppies and killed them all on live television. The tone throughout was one of legitimate despair, and that’s the dumbest thing that’s ever happened on the internet.

DeflateGate was NOT some crazy crime story. It may have been covered like one, but it was about the air pressure in footballs, then if someone knew about said air pressure. No one was hurt, no one died, there were no real life consequences. There is NO reason you should have to explain to your children anything about what happened. You don’t need to sit little Jimmy down and explain to him that a football team was accused of cheating, their quarterback was suspended, and now they’re in the Super Bowl. If they can’t figure it out themselves, they don’t need to know. (Especially because all children in question are fans of the Atlanta Falcons, another team accused, and convicted of cheating…)

And, I think I was kind of misleading in my wording of that last paragraph, because nothing actually happened. DeflateGate is fake. Sure, all of the shit that went down afterwards was real, but there is zero evidence to prove that anything happened in January, 2015. I’m not going to harp on that, though. I’ve been doing that for over two years and I don’t want to dive back into that rabbit hole.

However, if you’re actually going to use the advice provided in this guide, you should use mine, too.

I want you to go home, and tell your kid, dressed in his little Matty Ryan jersey, that Roger Goodell is a fraud. Tell them that the commissioner of the NFL is a scumbag, that he’s a liar, that he railroaded a quarterback and his organization for absolutely nothing. Ok? I want you to tell them that this league is messed up, and that the Patriots were dragged through the mud, and put through a witch hunt, for nothing. Please, tell them that there was no evidence of anything. And ask them if they think it’s ‘fair’ that one guy is the judge, jury, and executioner for the entire NFL. They probably won’t understand any of that, but that’s what you need to do. Alright? That’s all I ask of you. I just want your kids, the ones that are so scarred, and so shaken, because of DeflateGate, to know the truth, the truth, and nothing but the truth about what actually happened.

But I know that’s not going to happen. You’re going to tell them that those guys in the other uniforms are the bad guys. You’re going to tell them that the Patriots cheated, and now they’re being rewarded for it. And, that’s fine. It really is. Because when the Pats win the title, it’s going to be SO much sweeter than it already would have been. I said a couple of days ago that there’s always room on the anti-Patriots bandwagon, and that still stands. I want that Patriot hater parade as big as possible for this game, and & all the parents who use their little guide are more than welcome to join on.

P.S. I’ve often said that the thing I want more than anything is to see angry tears rolling down the face of Roger Goodell. That’s still true. But I’d be lying if I said there’s not a newly-born part of me that wants to see all the children of Atlanta crying their little eyes out as big, bad #12 holds up Lombardi V right in their face. 

Go Pats.



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